1. A self-help book
You’re a mess. Sort yourself out.
Love it or hate it, a tub of yeast extract is hardly chocolate and champagne.
3. A magic eye 3D poster
Give your loved one the gift of going cross-eyed. Or not.
4. Blue Stilton cheese
No amount of teeth-brushing will turn it around.
Nothing pulls the heart strings like telling someone they stink.
6. A stick
On the plus side, it is eco-friendly. And if you’re dating your dog, they might like it.
7. The Christmas gift they gave you
Both cheap and rude, what’s not to love?
8. A stapler
A relationship is never stationary. Get it...?
9. A dead squirrel
You should probably be reported to the police.
10. An autobiography by Oscar Pistorius
Roses are red, violets are glorious, never sneak up on...
11. An empty ring box
They’ll either be bitterly disappointed or overjoyed. Neither bodes well for the future.
12. A breakup text
Especially if your texts are included as part of your contract. You didn’t even PAY for it.
13. Diet pills
The perfect feel-good gift.
14. An ironing board
It’s a 1920’s theme, alright?
15. Victory at Sea (the WW2 historical documentary)
Nothing creates a romantic atmosphere better than black and white footage of the British navy tangling with U-boats.
16. A Fitbit
You’re like an investment to them. What, that isn’t romantic?
17. A subscription to Match.com
Like a break-up text, but more subtle in its cruelty.
18. Breath mints
“I’d kiss you, if you didn’t smell so rancid.”
19. A one way ticket to Scunthorpe
For one, it’s more of a prison sentence than a holiday. Secondly, you never want them to come back.
20. A framed picture of Ed Milliband
Perhaps the one with the bacon sandwich incident?
Landmark Lofts is part of the Landmark Group - the only group in London specialising in the project management of loft conversions, extensions and refurbishments to include a Chartered Building Company (CIOB), Chartered Architectural Practice (RIBA) and to be regulated by the Royal Institution of Chartered Surveyors (RICS). The Landmark Group specialises in the project management of loft conversions, extensions and refurbishments.